I'm trying to not be the person I have grown to be. I used to be more confident about myself. Now days I really don't think I'm worth looking at even for my husband. I used to love getting all dress up just cause but now it seems like there is too much stuff with more importance then me getting fixed up. I guess I'm throeing myself a pity party which I know I shouldn't. I want my husband to find me desirable but I know the way I look now I'm far from that. I tend to find him checking out other ladies and that makes me feel even worse about myself. I tend to think I'm not good enough for him which has always been a thought way back in my head since day one. He has always been very attractive, sexy, outgoing, and also a big flirt. I know I shouldn't let this make me feel the way I do but I feel like some times he wants more than I can give him or someone who might be better at everything than me. I just found out that his Dr. appt was more about me then him more like what I should be doing and what I'm not doing. The Dr. went as far as telling him it all has to do with me not wanting to fix myself up so then again it's all laid on me. I love having my kids but sometimes I just want some me time. I've not always been a sexual person (well yeah I was before the kids) I can Honestly go with out for a while. So then Brann tends to think I'm cheating which I never have or never plan on it. I'm just so disgusted with myself and what I have become it makes feel like why would he even want to make Love with me. I know I should feel different about myself but I don't. Brann does tell me I'm Hot but who wants to hear that when you have a screaming child on your hip and another one pulling on your leg saying momma momma momma. You really don't feel hot at the moment. So when he says this I'm thinking great I know what he wants tonight and I'm not up for it. He thinks that taking care of the kiddos is so darn easy but they tend to make you go crazy after to long. He goes to work and then gets to go home from work which in mothers cases they wake up to work and go to bed to work and fathers tend to not acknowledge that. I would love to have a great relationship with Brann but I'm almost to the point to where I'm tired of working at it and then him going and talking to other ladies and telling them he's not married. So what am I suppose to think about that. Is he looking for someone else or has he found someone else I don't know what the deal is but I'd rather get on with it now than later when it really affects the kids. I know till death do us part. But when one tells the other sex they are not married and your their ex what are you suppose to do ignore it and go on as if nothing happened. I'm sorry this really doesn't have anything to do with the reason we started these blogs. I just needed a place to really vent my feeling I'm sorry to leave these on you guys to read
2 comments:
Hey I love you i am on chel's iPhone but I will call you tomorrow. If you are up call me on my cell. I will be up for a while....
Amber, you don't really know me except we met at church on Sunday. I'm a friend of Christina's, which is why I'm reading your blog. My heart breaks for you. A couple years ago my husband and I were going through a difficult time. I started praying that God would give me "eyes" only for my husband and that he would only have "eyes" for me, meaning that we wouldn't be tempted to even look at another person of the opposite sex and that we would desire only each other. One day I shared this with my husband. A few weeks later my husband was being extremely attentive and affectionate to me. I felt more desired by him than I had in a long time. I asked him what was going on and he said that he had been praying that prayer to have eyes only for me and he thought it was working. I was overjoyed! After reading your blog, I think its time I start praying that again. And when I do, I will pray it over you as well. Thank you for sharing your life with me today...it has blessed me.
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